Not so Beautifully Broken

People develop ideas about you: images that they uphold of your morality, your ethics, your talents, and abilities. Is it ever possible to live up to the standards that you set for yourself, as well as the standards that society places upon us like anvils on weak shoulders?

I know that I am not a success by any standards that I claim to adhere to. I am broken. Shattered. In striving to be the best person that I can be, I ultimately hurt others, people I care about, people that care about me, and most unobviously, I hurt myself.

The laws of society bleed into gossip, laughter at other people’s expenses, and more basically talking to friends about shared, or common experiences. There is a level of trust that is built when one opens up with a third party, a triangle of trust so to speak. You know my secrets, and my fears, you know my weaknesses, and my truths. It’s your responsibility to keep those locked tightly away in your. own fireproof safe, but the weight of my life is too much for you. That’s reality. It’s too much to carry the weight of everyone’s soul food, so you open up to someone else; someone you trust. Obviously in the depths of life, divulging is wrong, but in reality, we are all guilty of opening up about the wrong things with other people.

I’ve done it. Sometimes it makes me feel like shit to talk about a friend knowing that they have confided in me, but I need help and guidance in dealing with their issues. Sometimes I feel like shit because the person I’m speaking with plays up the situation making it far bigger by adding their own experiences, or twisting what I’ve said. The fact is, I admit that I’ve broken trust and hurt people. I feel terrible about it. I hurt over it, but no more than the people I’ve hurt in the process. I never intend to hurt anyone, as I’m sure none of us do when we open our mouths and let the moths of negativity fly into our conversations.

Why don’t we just talk to the people who cause us stress, or baffle us with their behaviours? Sometimes we don’t know how to approach them. Sometimes, we don’t know if we’re wrong with our perceptions. Sometimes, we are bothered, but not enough to actually want, or need that person to change.

The worst friendships, or relationships are triangles of trust wherein ultimately, people speak ill of each other, not with the intents of hurting, or harming each other, but in some sick form of bonding that pushes, and pulls dynamics together, and apart.

I know people reading my post are going to relate to it. Some may even believe this post to be about them. The fact is, I’m writing what’s in my head right now. My words fall from my fingertips as soap for my soul. I am processing my role in life. I’m processing my disappointment in myself, and others. I’m trying to figure out how my transgressions are worse than others. Maybe they aren’t. That’s not the point of anything.

I never set out to hurt anyone, but I did cause harm. I am guilty of being not so beautifully broken in my life practices. I am aware of my role in the demise of trust, and friendships. I question though if those that hold me to standards of purity have never found themselves in my role, speaking ill of others to me, or to others. Have I ever been the conversation piece in a role so negative that I’d cry if I knew the dialogue? Most likely, it’s happened. Most likely, I’ll never know, and that’s okay; I don’t need to.

What I do know however is that innocence is often alone in the world, whereas guilt often travels in packs.

I forgive the guilty in my life. I know that human nature requires connections, and that sometimes those connections fail the ones we care about. I apologize to my victims. I apologize to those who have found themselves pondering why I’d speak from a place of darkness. Sometimes we need to process experiences and a third party is the best ear. Maybe some things are best processed through writing a blog, than trusting an actual ear?

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