2018 was an awakening year in my life. I struggled with some of the greatest possible losses, while simultaneously being thrust into a reality that shattered any remaining hope that I could have in a particular situation. That year, I spontaneously combusted while equally re-cementing myself whole, stronger, and better than ever before.
While many people gathered around to support me, and help lift me out of my struggles, one particular person stood out in contributing to my strife, rather than helping me. This particular person belittled my pain, and made ridiculous time demands that distracted from my priorities.
Several months into my healing, a friend, and I were discussing the anguish that I had gone through during the four most difficult months of my life. I deliberately mentioned that as long as this character in my life exists, I will NEVER forgive them for the roles that were played in my suffering.
My friend was taken aback. Barely a breath escaped from her lips as she rambled on about how forgiveness is the foundation of healing. She equated me not forgiving my offender to me eating rotten foods in hopes of someone else suffering from food poisoning. Basically, if I didn’t forgive, I’d be carrying around unnecessary emotional baggage, rather than skip, hop, and jumping down my merry street of life.
Honestly, I couldn’t disagree more. I personally believe that in this situation, if I even forgive, I’ll never be able to forget, which means that I’ll still be lugging that mental suitcase with me everywhere I go. I can’t, I mean I’m literally unable to forgive this person because in my mind, it means that I’ve allowed myself to be wronged by their words, and their actions, while they walk away feeling vindicated. No! Simply, NO!! Since I have to do the heavy weight lifting regardless of claiming to forgive, I am choosing to allow the tension to linger as a reminder to the other person that NO, I won’t accept being treated in such an offensive manner, and NO, I don’t believe they are capable of actually redeeming themself from the situation.
Mostly, it’s a reminder to ME that I’m worth more; that I deserve better, that I matter, especially to ME.
Forgiveness is for people who are truly apologetic for their words, or actions, not for narcissists.