Since I opened my eyes this morning, my thoughts have been on ME, MYSELF, and I. It’s all about ME!!! Except, it’s not. For months I’ve been lamenting about needing time alone to gather my thoughts, my breath, and my soul; it never happens. I ask for silence to think, to read, to write; my air is filled with volumes of noise that pound my brain like a jackhammer.
Most of the conversations are inane, or have nothing to do with me, but I’m drawn into problem solving, lending an ear, or simply as a vacuum to absorb a massive meltdown vent. I open my mouth to speak, or express myself, but my voice is silenced by other people’s needs to be heard. I sit and write, typing away at my laptop and as soon as something brilliant comes to mind, BOOM, I’m interrupted with a rendition of “Watch me Whip/Watch me Nay Nay,” some basic attention grabbing behaviour that can’t wait a moment for me to finish my sentence, or thought.
I’m expected to applaud everyone, and everything. I’m expected to be interested in everyone, and everything. Sometimes, I’m simply not able to provide the level of attention, or accolades that people expect of me. Sometimes, I need to breathe and take care of MY needs. That’s selfish though. I spend too much time doing what I want/need to do, and not enough time catering to other people, or doing what they expect, or want of me. That’s what THEY perceive.
I, on the other hand have been BEGGING, literally crying, and begging for time to think and have space, but I never get it. This post alone has been interrupted at least five times while I tried to collect my thoughts, and words. All of the interruptions were for things that could have waited, or didn’t need to be shared to begin with.
Of course many of you are going to think that I’m a terrible parent for not garnishing my children with the attention that they are asking for. First of all, they get more attention than they know what to do with! That’s one of the main reasons why they don’t know how to function when I need to be distracted from them. Secondly, each is old enough to know, and understand that I am a person too, and that I have needs for time and space that should be met as well. They don’t though. They claim they do, but every time I ask for time alone in the house, I’m guilt tripped into either going out with them, or I’m told that they feel as though I am kicking them out for my own selfish needs. There is no winning. I have to be “on” 100% of the day. I go to bed at night, they text me complaining about each other. I go to the washroom, or take a shower, they come asking me if they can have xyz, or again, to complain about each other.
I feel as though I can’t ask for things to be about ME. My birthday? Not about me, it’s about other people arguing about what they think I want to do, or what they think I need rather than listening to what I’m actually expressing.
I wake up ridiculously early every morning to try to take some solo time. People have now started encroaching on that time too! They complain about being up early, yet they feel the need to enter my space and tell me all the reasons why they wish they were asleep. Thank you. I appreciate your time, and consideration.
Ninety percent of our conversations are about what THEY want to talk about. When I do get an opportunity to express myself, how my day went, my wins, and losses, I’m told that I’m boasting, or complaining too much. I’m dismissed, or ignored. I’m interrupted with whatever THEY want to talk about, or I’m left feeling guilty that I took time to talk about myself.
I feel as though I’m losing my voice. I don’t even know how to communicate with my friends without fearing that I’m boasting, bragging, or complaining too much. I don’t know how to express myself without feeling as though I’m dominating a conversation. I don’t know how to include my experiences in a conversation without feeling as though I’m turning it into the “Me Show.” It’s hard.
I’m trying to ask questions about my friends before I begin sharing about my own life. I am trying to ask before venting/dumping in order to make sure that they are in the right personal space to receive any negative energy that I need to release. I try to listen attentively, and participate actively in conversations. I just wish I knew how to fit into my roles in life. Right now, everything feels like drowning and tantrums.
Beautifully Broken 