Have you ever fallen into a trap of your own making? A trap that locks you into a prison that has a clearly marked exit, an unlocked door, but no matter what you do, you can’t escape?
That feels like the life that I’ve created for myself. I know what I need to do to move forward, but I’m cemented in my fear of failure and no matter what I WANT to do, I self-sabotage and end up deeper in the maze rather than closer to the exit.
In come the knights in rusted armour promising me help, offering me guidance, pushing, and pulling me towards the life that I need, want, and deserve. I cling to them like lifeboats. I beg them for answers and maps. They provide. I still fail. Why? I fail because I’m terrified. I fail because I don’t know what I’m doing. I fail because even the best, most guided knight sets paths for me that I can’t follow.
The truth is, I should probably become my own knight. I should learn how to rescue myself. I should learn how to count on myself and how to make myself proud. The truth is, I should follow the lighted paths that my knights have set for me, but I need to add my own detours and stops along the way. The truth is, I am too dependent, yet too independent to actually get things done. I’m a paradox of purpose, and fear.
The knights before me have set deadlines. They’ve offered help in ways that I could never accept. They’ve set ultimatums so harsh I cried for days in fear of being forced to cut ties and truly rescue myself. Ironic isn’t it? I need to rescue myself. I want to rescue myself, but I’m terrified of actually having to take the responsibility and actually do it.
My personal deadlines are creeping up. The people in my life who know my struggles are losing patience with me. I don’t blame them. I am a failure. I am weak and unable to step off the edge and take action to do what needs to be done. I’m failing myself. I’m failing. It’s so fucking hard. I need to try harder. I need to push forward. I need to stop making excuses. I need to hold myself accountable and to the high standards that some of the knights before me have pushed me to achieve.
I need to rescue myself.