I am controlled by fear. I am an incredibly driven person, full of stamina and energy to take charge and get things done, but…I am controlled by a deep dark fear: the fear of failure. By now, you’ve figured out that I write. I write constantly whether it’s literal or in my mind desperately holding onto thoughts before they slip into oblivion like water through a sieve.
I have a plethora of ideas that could be published, collections of short stories, poetry, and picture books, you name it, I’ve been writing it. Well, maybe not always writing it, but collecting ideas in my mind the way a child collects stickers and scented erasers: they sit there, begging to be used, but collecting dust instead because no one wants to ruin them. I have so many ideas, so many dreams that I lock away in a vault because I’m terrified of failing.
I’m terrified of trying and not succeeding. This fear holds me back from so many things in life. The pole dancing class that I’m longing to take? Why bother? I’m going to look ridiculous and I’m not going to have the upper body strength necessary to succeed. Why try?
It sounds ridiculous right? I mean what do I gain by not trying? What do I gain by sitting on a shelf waiting for life to happen when I could be living? I don’t know! I guess the answer is truly NOTHING. I don’t gain anything except pure an utter frustration that I know I’m capable of so much more in life than I allow myself to actually do.
I really need to learn how to un-fuck myself and start actually applying my energy towards doing what I need, and what I deserve in my life. I need to try. I need to stop giving into the fear of failing and start doing because right now, I’m failing by not even trying. It’s such a horrible tornado of well, of failure to be honest!