Hey Taylor, thanks for the great song! Not only is it playing on repeat in my head, but it has me stuck deep in my thoughts and realizing a whole bunch of shit about myself that I’m not so sure I’m ready to deal with just yet. That’s okay…I’ll step through the landmines and tiptoe through the daisies until I come out broken, and beautiful on the other side. It’s not like I have much of a choice my dear, we all have to stop staring at the sun and look directly in the mirror at some point to confront the demons that we’ve created.
My demons seem to be the best of frenemies. They get along well enough to torture me out of sleep while battling each other to the point of making me overthink my overthinking.
Today my demons have crowned me as a narcissist. They are right. I’m full of myself, I’m entitled, I am lazy. I do things for others without wanting anything in return, but I love the feeling of taking care of people, and making others happy. I do kind things for others so that I can feel good. I feed people because being around hungry people makes me feel anxious. I put other people first because putting myself first makes me feel selfish and greedy. So basically, I can break down every single nice thing that I do for others to the common denominator of how it makes me feel, which in many ways makes me a narcissist.
Furthermore my crown is deserved because I am in fact a horrible person. I’ve recently caved to the temptations of gossip thus hurting people in the process. I’m not alone in my guilt, but I feel it extremely heavily. It’s weighing on my thoughts far more than it deserves any real estate in my mind. My guilt is heavier than an anvil. I’ve tried evaluating WHY I feel so much guilt. I am guilty though. I feel guilty. I carry guilt. I’m guilty of breaking trust by slandering a friend. I’m guilty of being the receiver of gossip pollution and not stopping it. I’m guilty of being a shitty friend. I’m guilty of letting myself down. I’m guilty of letting others down. I’m guilty simply for opening my mouth and speaking when I had the opportunity to stay silent. I am guilty of being the receiver of toxic polluting gossip. I am guilty of being caught in the middle of duelling voices and never telling them to stop. I am guilty of thinking this is all about me. This is why my demons have crowned me a narcissist. I have taken everything upon my shoulders and it’s now all about me.
Is it though? Is the blame entirely mine to weigh upon my shoulders? Is the guilt entirely mine to breed in my sleepless nights? Probably not. So why is this bothering me so much? Why do I care about how my words were twisted, manipulated, or thrown around like dirty tissues? I care because I don’t want to be perceived as the bitch, or the narcissist that I clearly am. I care because I hold myself to high levels of ethics, and I failed myself, and the people around me. I care because I know that I am not alone in my guilt, but I’ll never throw others under the bus. It’s not lonely down here. I’ve been under the bus enough times to change the oil, and rotate the tires while the vehicle is still moving. I’m good with it. I’ve created a little safe spot here under the bus.
I’m bothered though. This level of narcissism is eating away at me bit, by bit as I ponder how horribly I am now perceived. I’m sick with the disgust that I feel for myself even though I know my transgressions are such common place mistakes that most people simply consider the experience to be a form of general communication. I feel horrible trying to explain actions as normal place, therefore less incendiary than they actually are. The fact is, I know I was wrong. I admit my guilt, and my mistakes. I am aware of the pain that I’ve caused. I simply don’t know what to do about it. I’ve put myself on trial. I don’t wish to defend, or deject every word that I potentially said, but my sleepless nights play different movies than my mind cares to enjoy.
I have no idea why I’ve become so tangled in a situation that I feel I’m a one track symphony trying desperately to monitor every word that escapes my lips lest I speak ill of someone and cause anyone else more pain.
Maybe I should consider a vow of silence?